The fish tank in the OB-GYN waiting room is gone, replaced with a state-of-the-art toad tank. Every few minutes a nurse with thick purple gloves walks in, reaches into the tank, pulls out a prime toad specimen--robust, lumpy--and shuffles away with the creature in hand. Think Red Lobster but with more croak. The entire office smells like fried frog legs. The aroma is somehow comforting, therapeutic, the way a dentist office smells somewhat of chlorine.
The demand for toad-ash treatment soon outgrows the facilities of hospitals and private practices, so the ashes join Advil and NyQuil as an over-the-counter remedy. The ashes are sold in convenient little packets, like heroin, though much cheaper than heroin because there are only two ingredients: toad and fire.
With the low cost and high demand for these croaking creatures, toads quickly become an endangered species, altering the ecosystems of their natural habitats. Cue toad-rights activists. Save-the-toad rallies in DC. New brands of synthetic toad ashes and ashes of toads that died of "natural causes" have short-lived success on Walmart shelves, soon replaced by the experimental frog-ashes. This amphibian alternative is of course a sham and does nothing to help women's menstrual cramps. A long and unnecessary lawsuit follows.
Then there’s the pouches. First, women try to be discreet. Consider the pouches to be an external menstrual pad, a sign of womanhood and, in this case, severe pain. Pop culture treats the pouches like it treats tampons or terrorist groups, or like how it used to treat the topic of sex. But feminists help remove the stigma on toad-ash pouches. Pouches become a bedazzled statement piece, as necessary as hipster glasses or a topaz nose ring. Before the sensation becomes cliché, Vera Bradley produces a chic line of durable and stylish toad-ash pouches with a variety of patterns, colors, and sizes (for women in need of a particularly large dose). Knock-off pouches are available at Target, along with scented ashes.
Overtime, girls and women with painful periods become empowered by their toad-ash pouches. A Miss America contestant gains both praise and criticism for wearing her toad ash pouch during the swimsuit competition. “I want to be a role model for young girls and women who also have to wear a toad-ash pouch,” she says during an interview on LIVE! With Kelly and Michael. “I want to show that I’m just a normal, everyday girl, who happens to wear a toad-ash pouch, and that’s okay.”
